Muses, and confessions.

HELLO BLOGOSPHERE.

This is pax domini for realsies, I just transferred to an account that uses the gmail that I use at my university for the general ease of everything. amator deus is Latin for lover of God, which is what I am :D


So I'm going to share something with you guys. I have a few problems.
One is an anxiety problem. I have what I describe as an "inappropriate panic reaction" to situations; that is, where normal people would feel, say, butterflies in their tummy, I begin to freak out. Occasionally I'll lapse into a panic attack. For me, panic attacks consist of A) wanting to run in the other direction OR curl up in a ball; B) feeling like my heart is trying to crawl out of my throat; C) heart pounding so hard it feels like it's about to burst out of my chest; D) the "lump in the throat" sensation without the tear pricks; and of course, E) general PANIC. Sometimes I just have a panic attack because my brain decides it wants too.

I love when that happens.
(I don't actually love when that happens).

Another problem is that I have a little thing called dysthymia. It's usually described as "mild depression", but that's an insult to everyone person who suffers from that.
Here's a couple of definitions, courtesy of MedicineNet.com

Major depression: A disease with certain characteristic signs and symptoms that interferes with the ability to work, sleep, eat, and enjoy once pleasurable activities.The characteristic signs and symptoms of major depression include loss of interest in activities that were once interesting or enjoyable (...); a persistently sad, anxious or empty mood; feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness; social withdrawal; unusual fatigue, low energy level, a feeling of being slowed down; sleep disturbance with insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping; trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions; unusual restlessness or irritability; persistent physical problems such as headaches, digestive disorders, or chronic pain that do not respond to treatment; thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts. Disabling episodes of major depression can occur once or a number of times in a lifetime.

Depression, dysthymia: A type of depression involving long-term, chronic symptoms that are not disabling, but keep a person from functioning at "full steam" or from feeling good. Dysthymia is a less severe type of depression than what is accorded the diagnosis of major depression. However, people with dysthymia may also sometimes experience major depressive episodes, suggesting that there is a continuum between dysthymia and major depression.

So.
--- Major depression means that you occasionally have spells where you are broken. As a psych major, I know that the diagnosis for this disorder requires a minimum of 2 weeks with the symptoms.
--- Dysthymia means that you always feel broken. Not quite as broken as you feel during a major depressive spell, sure, but the thing is, you have those too. Oh, and the minimum required time with the symptoms? 3 years.

Sure, sure, dysthymia is "mild depression". But call me crazy, 'cause I would way rather have the first disorder than the second.

I've suffered greatly since I was about twelve, because I knew that I didn't feel quite right, but I was also told by my doctor and my family that I wasn't depressed. Which I wasn't. I was just....flat. But I decided recently to screw them all, and I went to a doctor at my school and requested an antidepressant.

Do you know how wrong it is that the feeling of happiness for no reason excites me? I haven't felt this way since I was a kid. I laugh again, and I smile just because I can, and I enjoy going out and having fun. For the first time in a long time I'm dating and I'm enjoying it. I don't feel broken anymore.
I needed medication. Those lines I was being handed, that there were people worse than me out there, that I wasn't truly depressed, they were full of garbage.
I giggle now. I haven't giggled since I was six.
And now when I'm lying on my couch and I feel the familiar dark shadows begin to settle over my shoulders, I don't curl up and shiver and begin shaking and crying. I just take a deep breath, and I can walk it off. That's pretty amazing, too.


I bear what I now describe as my battle scars. I'm inordinately proud of them, because I over came them, and they're all fading. They're proof of what I went through, of my desperate solution to my sleep-killing panic attacks.

Can you see them? They're fading, but they're there.

These were my proof. When I went back to my family doctor, knowing he would not be impressed that I'm on medication for a problem he thinks doesn't need to be medicated, I rolled up my sleeves and pointed to the lines etched into my skin. I told him I was tired of wishing I was dead, tired of craving the feeling of pain.
I needed help, and I got it.


I feel so happy. I keep finding myself wondering what happened that could put me in such a good mood, then I remember that I can actually just be in one without having any particular reason. Life puts me in a good mood. It never used to.


An important aspect of this post is God.
I know I haven't mentioned Him at all, but let's face it: I panic when a guy compliments me. How on Earth was I ever able to confess to my best friend that I think I needed help? Where did I find the courage to book an appointment at the Health and Counselling Centre, and confess everything to a therapist, and find a doctor and explain what I knew I needed? I didn't have that in me; the thought even now of going to do that makes me feel nauseated.
The answer, of course, is that I had help from a certain Man Upstairs.

I love you, Lord. Thank You for showing me that You love me, too.

I'd like to end this post in a little prayer.

I pray for all of you, and all of your friends and family and loved ones. I pray that you find your inner strength, and you allow yourself to admit that sometimes you need help, especially from God. I pray you are able to do what you need to, whatever that may be.

I love you all.

XO,
amicum et sororem tuum
Your friend and sister,

amator deus
SK