Muses: Newness, and comfort

Whoa! New layout!
But you know me: I see a new feature and I HAVE to try it. So what do you think? Like? No? Back to how it used to be??
I chose the grapes because I thought of how Jesus said "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:5)

And Whoa! New name! Yes, don't think you're mad. This is still "Ask, and ye shall receive...". The name is just a little more fitting now. And trust me, I spent ages finding the perfect passage as a title. And yes, this is still "Just ask". But my name's different, too. Didja notice that?

Anyway, there is a different purpose for this post than just to announce these. And it's on a bit more of a serious, albeit comforting note.


I had a minor recurrence of my old emotions. I think it's stemming from end of major culminatings + exams + the "time of month". But last night, after getting annoyed in a disagreement with my mom, I went into my room and, as I so often do when I argue with my mom, I broke down and started to cry. But this wasn't my normal type of cry, the kind that lasts about five to ten minutes. This cry lasted a full half-hour.
I was curled up on my bed, feeling as worthless as dirt, feeling as stupid as a shrew, and completely at odds with myself. My mind wandered to its old solution---the most terrifying thing one could think---and that made me cry even harder.
I wanted to go crawl into my mom's bed and snuggle into her arms, because no matter how old one gets that is still the most comforting thing you can have: someone hugging you. But I had just argued with her, so pride reared its head and kept me tethered to my bed. I wished that she could wake up or something, just hear me crying and come running to my room, and at the same time I was hoping that she didn't because I didn't want to have to give into pride in any way.
So sometimes I'd stop crying, but I'd feel the tears pressing at the back of my throat tearing to get out, and then it'd happen, and I'd be sobbing all over again. They refused to stop, no matter how hard I tried. I was no longer in control of my emotions and that terrified me even more. I have to be in control of my emotions, or I don't know what will happen.
All of a sudden, I was startled by something I heard at my window. It sounded like an animal, or an animalistic human clawing at the window, trying to get in. I lay there, heart pounding, trying to figure out what the noise was. The day had started out beautiful, but as if to mimic my mood it had steadily gotten more and more miserable as the day progressed. The sky had clouded over, and it was darker than night ever naturally was. Thinking about that and the perfect pathetic fallacy that was happening, I realized what that noise was.  
Rain.
It had started to rain, gradually at first then hitting the pane harder and harder as the speed of the water became quicker and quicker. I lay there entranced for a bit by the noise, then thought about the rain for a bit.
I like the rain. I said to my dad one time that standing out in the rain feels like God is hugging me, like it's just Him and me, One-on-one, Father to daughter. It makes me feel so loved, even to hear it. And it always, always has that effect.
Slowly I realized that I had stopped crying the instant I had heard the rain. First, in fear, then next in awe. And even more slowly I realized that I no longer felt like crying, even at all. Just like always, God had reached out. I had been longing for a hug from a parent and I got one, without even thinking to ask. The rain stopped soon after and didn't pick up until well after I had fallen asleep. All in all, it had only lasted a few minutes. A bit of a random rainfall, perhaps, but I know what happened. And now you do, too.

~Godspede