Depths of Despair

For any of you culture fans, the title is indeed an expression that Anne Shirley in Anne of Green Gables would often use. I find myself borrowing them, as she thinks the way I do sometimes.

So, I have a rather serious note that I want to put down here. It just seems right.
I've mentioned before that I had an emotional breakdown. I obviously won't put down the details of what caused it here, as that would be unfair to all those involved, but I would like to talk about it.

See, I've found that I have depression, not clinical or anything, but it's there. Bad things affect me worse than they should. I can handle it, I've been this way for about three or four years, but then this whole bad thing came up...
I broke down. I barely ate, I slept tons, I missed school 'cause I'm claustrophobic and I couldn't handle the crowds. The worst thing, though, was that I used to feel so close to God that I could feel him smiling and I would feel him place His heavenly hands over my own and guide my way, and I would get this inexplicable joy at times that almost hurt but didn't quite yet. Well, that disappeared. I wasn't suicidal, but I questioned why I wasn't. I toyed with the idea of death. It really didn't seem too bad. I haven't been very scared of death for years. I'm still not.
Eventually what pulled me out of the rut I was digging was one of my friends whom I refer to as my "big brother" since he treats me that way, and I've actually never had the figure in my life, believe it or not (I have four older brothers but none of them were ever the big bro figure for various, harmless reasons). I was going through yet another low patch one day, and I asked him to give me one good reason why I should want to live. Without hesitating, he said Jesus. Then in the next beat he said my nephew's name, who is turning three this year and idolizes me.
And all of a sudden, I saw my boy asking, "Where's Aunty?" the way he does, and someone having to say to him that I wasnt going to be there, that I could never come back. And I saw him not understanding, and his mom, dad, my mom, everyone's pain at my death, and I thought, "Why would I do that? It solves nothing! All it would do is cause further turmoil!" And it helped pulled me out. I really owe my life to my big brother and my nephew, who would (and still does) climb into my arms randomly, hug me, give me a kiss and say he loves me, just 'cause he wanted to. B. Bro, if you're reading this, I can never thank you enough. I probably would have done something drastic had you not kept such a close watch on me. And my boy, one day I'll tell you this story, how three days after 'it' happened I was sitting in church, wanting to die, and you crawled into my lap and whispered, "What's wrong, Aunty?". And I wrapped my arms around you and actually felt happiness, and my mom saw it and knew that I had a chance, if only because of you.

But still, every once in a while I would wake up in the morning and just want to die, to fall back asleep and never wake up. Ever.
But yesterday, all of a sudden, it struck me:
I dont want to die.
I want to live.
I want to be close to God.
I want to feel His embrace around me.
I want to love life again.
And I fell to my knees and I sobbed, my arms wrapped tightly around me, right there in the middle of my room
and I prayed
and I cried out to God to save me from my pit, my depth of despair, to help me be happy. The tears poured down my face, onto my hands then to the floor. My whole body convulsed as I poured out all the hurt I'd been storing and festering in for the past months onto God.

I still feel sad thinking about that event. I still wonder that if maybe I'd done something differently it would have turned out okay after all. I still wish it didn't happen.
But I love God.
And He loves me.
And He is never going to stop. Ever.

You know, I think a big part of this event is how the biggest thing that helped me was the little acts of love. Big brother's patient care, my boy's gentle and innocent love, going to a Christian concert and having the singer see you in the crowd, realize you are hurting, and sing the words of "Lay All Your Hurt On Jesus" unwavering to you. Sometimes all one needs is a little hug, a little care, a little lift, and you might save their life.

~Godspede